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There is a big debate about is sex and porn addiction. I recently was lucky enough to be a witness to two intelligent, passionate men discuss the common ground in the middle of the debate. The two men I speak of are Dr. David Ley and Dr. Robert Weiss. Today, I read an article that I resonated with in a different context. For me it was a very eloquent definition of sexual integrity. It was written by Dr. Ley. It sparked an interest so I googled Sexual Integrity and guess who’s article came up, Dr. Weiss’s. Was it fate? Or just google feeding me relevant information by relevant individuals? It didn’t matter cause I was off to the races defining sexual integrity for myself. It’s not like this is a new topic for me. I think integrity is a life long endeavor and we are all sexual beings our whole lives.

Dr Weiss wrote this about Sexual Integrity:  “If you are completely open and honest about these things with yourself and with your long-term intimate partner/spouse, and in a boundaried way with new sexual/intimate partners, then you probably have sexual integrity.”

I really like the inclusion of boundaries. Remember, I found this quote after reading an article about porn addiction. Dr. Ley writes about personal responsibility.

Dr David Ley wrote, “requires a man to stand up for himself and his sexual desires, to be willing to negotiate for those needs, to be willing to compromise, but stay true to himself, while asking for the same in return.”

Staying true to one’s self is something I think that is crucial to life satisfaction. I tend to use the phrase authentic truth. However, authenticity and honesty can often involve a lot of fear around rejection. My own work in Kansas City Missouri often involves exploring a unique experience I share with many of my clients. The local culture of our City and geographic area. Kansas City is a unique blend of large city and small town experience. Kansas City on the surface is a progressive city. The bible belt and religious undertow though is always but an unspoken word away. Our unique blend of Kansas City “niceness” often leaves that unspoken word as a space used for judgement.

It’s not uncommon to have a conversation that includes actively putting words to the experience when one’s authentic truth makes someone else uncomfortable. Exploring  the way people talk about this uncomfortable feeling and who’s responsibility it is to resolve it. We explore what it takes to maintain their truth while being vulnerable.

The opposing position is when someone is uncomfortable it’s their own responsibility to deal with that feeling. This is the stuff individuals have to work through with their partner/spouse. These are the topics and obstacles we have to explore in order to have sexual integrity. Does my porn watching affect my relationship? How does my partner feel about me watching porn? How do they feel about me masturbating? How will we as a couple compromise our sexualities including and respecting each other?

Many are being labeled sex addicts or porn addicts solely by their partners feeling uncomfortable with some aspect of their sexual expression. As opposed to discussing, respecting, accepting, and compromising and seeking support and help. Taking personal responsibility for one’s self is part of integrity. Taking responsibility for your sexual expression, self esteem and staying true to self are all parts of sexual integrity.

 

 

I recently finished a year long comprehensive program at the University of Michigan focusing on sexual health as it relates and presents in psychotherapy. I am so amazed at some of the work people are doing regarding pelvic pain, attachment, trauma, intimacy and desire, sexual performance and specifically how it relates to relationships and helping couples come together and understand how their intimacy and sexual health is impacted.

June is Men’s Health Month: The purpose is to heighten the awareness of preventable health problems and encourage early detection and treatment of disease among men and boys. This month gives healthcare providers, public policy makers, the media, and individuals an opportunity to encourage men and boys to seek regular medical advice and early treatment for disease and injury.

We are so used to not talking about anything related to sexual health we have done ourselves, and our children a disservice. One of the analogies I often use with clients is, “if your hand wasn’t working you’d go ask for help, right?” They always respond affirmatively. Why is it that we are so embarrassed to talk to doctors about our sexual health. Compounding the problem is doctors aren’t given adequate training on sexual health. Some of the work I do is basic education. Then together we explore and have conversations about how not being able to talk about sexual health has prevented couples from fully understanding the dynamics of the intimacy issues they often face through different stages of their lives.

Feel free to reach out to me to maybe set up time to discuss where you and your partner are. So during this month of men’s health I want to talk to the ladies. You know your man really doesn’t want to talk to anyone about feelings especially about sex. But what would your relationship look like if together we can get him to open up and be more comfortable sharing what he is thinking and what he is feeling.

Feel free to reach out to me at:

Chuck@chuckfranks.com

 

LGBT individuals are less likely to seek healthcare, feel alienated by the healthcare community, and in some cases are not given the same level of care as the rest of the community.

Sexual heath and how it is shaped and or ignored by the healthcare system has created a disparity in the quality and accessibility of healthcare available to minorities, and sexual minorities in particular, is a growing concern.  In March of 2011 The Institute of Medicine reported that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender people have unique health needs, but that little is known about what those needs are.  The Lancet Medical Journal followed with an April 2011 article stating that a large number of healthcare practitioners are not well informed about how to care for LGBT health concerns, particularly the needs of transgender individuals.  Many of those that are still have psychological barriers to asking probing questions about sex due to a concern of not knowing what to do with that information once they have it.  An article in The Journal of Counseling Psychology pointed out that even well-meaning providers may exhibit certain levels of heterosexist micro-aggressions, or subtle attitudes that convey a negative connotation about an individual’s LGBT identity.

In response to this growing need, a number of therapists in the Kansas City community have started an organization dedicated to serving the health needs of LGBT individuals and their families.  The LGBT-Affirmative Therapists Guild of the Greater Kansas City area is a grassroots organization of licensed mental and medical health professionals, as well as students-in-training.  They share a collaborative commitment to make affirming culturally competent healthcare available for all sexual minorities based on the premise that LGBT and heterosexual identities are equally valid. Their website (lgbtguild.com) provides consumers and practitioners with referrals and resources for LGBT health and advocacy concerns.

Members of the Guild meet at various times throughout the year for consultation and education regarding the healthcare concerns of sexual and gender minorities.  They are available to speak to businesses or organizations about LGBT related concerns.  They are also happy to promote any public activities, groups, or events that enhance an understanding of LGBT people and their concerns.  Membership in the Guild is free of charge and open to those from various disciplines and of any sexual orientation.