Why men should not rush to judge themselves, their porn use or their unique erotic profile.
There can be many factors correlated with the beginning stages of sexual dysfunction. There appears to be a growing movement to blame porn for things that are not actually true. Each person reading this will have their own understanding of porn and relationship to the judgment you place on it. I have always had the opinion that if I don’t like something I don’t participate in it. I don’t need to judge it. By suspending judgement we allow for the space needed to problem solve.
Men should start looking at multiple things because it’s far more likely that your poor posture has more to do with your erectile dysfunction that the fact that you watch porn a couple times. Heres an easy test, stop watching porn for a few weeks to a month. If your sexual functioning improves then maybe porn is in some way disrupting your arousal cycle. If you still have problems then you need to be asking for help. Do NOT jump to blaming and judging. Find an AASECT certified sex therapist who will help you figure this out.
One of the first things I do with clients is start asking questions about the context of where and how the issue or concern first showed up or continues to present itself. Then we start exploring by being curious. Being curious prevents premature evaluation and helps prevent judgement. Things to start pondering.
- How is the relationship doing? There is research to show that if your partner is highly critical of you, you could develop some sexual dysfunction as a reaction to their judgement.
- How is your physical health? There is research to show your pelvic floor function and health has a direct effect on your sexual functioning. Think about having it evaluated.
- Has your physical exercise changed drastically at some point? Did you use to run marathons and had an injury that has made you stop running? Are you only working upper body and ignoring legs? Has there been trauma to your body?
- Is it possible there is an imbalance? See a doctor and get your baseline blood work evaluated.
- How is your stress level? A man’s stress level has an impact on your performance.
- What is your relationship to religious morality? There is lots of new research showing how a person’s relationship to religiosity affects their self esteem, sexual functioning and propensity to label themselves a porn or sex addict. Don’t fall prey to this, look to problem solve not self blame.
- Are your expectations realistic? Many young people are seeing things in porn videos that the majority of people can’t physically do. Make sure you get feedback about what it is you think is possible.
- Ask yourself how open are you to alternative possibilities and solutions? I end up helping many guys rather quickly just by helping them open up the field of possibilities and then we work through each one to see if that is it or not.
- Have you dealt with everything in your past? Childhood sexual and emotional abuse on men is finally getting more understanding, validation and support.
- Never ever set deficit based goals. If your going to set a goal make sure you can frame it in a future focused improvement based measurement of success.
- Are you on any medications? There are definite side effects that could be related to the medications you’re on. Maybe you can change meds or learn a work around. See #8 above. Be open to problem solving.
- Can you define your measurement of success? You might need to change it (redefine) and how do you do that and still be satisfied?
- Do you carry shame or embarrassment about sexual functioning? Men are often diverted from asking for help because they are ashamed. Don’t let that stop you, put it behind you by actively pursuing sexual health. You deserve sexual health.
Thank you for posting this, Chuck. It’s important to remember that sexuality is a continuum and that the concept of sexual health varies from one individual to the next. We need more education and less stigma associated with sexuality if we are to move toward a more inclusive mindset.